Time Takes Time: Filling in Developmental Building Blocks, Part One
June 29, 2010
You’ve tried every parenting strategy, perhaps you’ve taken him for behavioral therapy, perhaps you’ve tried medication, all to no avail. Years after the adoption your child’s behavior just continues to get worse!
Often, parents don’t realize something is wrong until everything they have tried just isn’t working.
In order to decrease these emotional outbursts or emotional disconnects, children’s early missing developmental building blocks must be filled in by their parents.
Here are five tips to help you begin doing just this.
1. Most importantly, consult with a child psychologist who is an expert in early relational trauma and attachment therapy to determine the best course of action (i.e. assessment, psychological counseling.)
2. Make sure the child psychologist or therapist teaches you, through the child’s play therapy and your family therapy, how to fill in the early developmental building blocks your child missed as a result of abandonment by her biological parents and living in an orphanage.
3. Tell yourself that you have been a good parent: you have done everything you thought was the right thing to do. And now you know in your heart that what works for children never raised in an orphanage is not effective for your child. You have admitted that your child needs something different. That is what has brought you to the right place.
4. Do the following every day when your child is not upset. Think of this as making deposits in her attachment security bank account.
- do a guided relaxation together as a whole family (use a relaxation CD*)
- keep your child close to you, touch him affectionately
- tell him sweet nothings, i.e., “You’re Mama’s sweet little boy,” “How did God know you’d be so perfect for us?” ”I’m proud of you,” etc. (if necessary, remember the saying: ”fake it,’til you make it”)
- cuddle together on the couch or in a rocking chair and read picture books together
5. Think about what age his problem behavior is typical. Usually it is about age 2. Change your expectations of him appropriately for a 2 year old. Ask yourself the questions, “If he were 2, how would I respond differently?” and “If he were 2, how would I set up the situation differently to begin with?”
I encourage you to perform an experiment. Do these 5 tips every day for one week. Notice the difference in both your child an in you. No, it will not be a miracle, but I believe you will see some very small, but perceptible positive changes.