Is your family a safe haven where children, mothers and fathers experience true acceptance, caring, openness for sharing joys and sorrows? When discord and tension arise, do the members of your family experience pardon, forgiveness and reconciliation? Is it, as Chesterton said, a place where you can truly be yourself, trusting, without a doubt, that you are loved no matter what?

John Paul II said that the family is responsible for revealing, communicating and guarding this type of love through each individual’s unique gifts, little by little, through solidarity.

Wow,” you might say, “this is impossible. It’s too good to be true.”

You’re correct . . .only if you think this requires big chunks of time for big activities; only if you think this requires planning, organizing, goals, charts, outings and time. Whew! This would be unrealistic if you have the average family’s responsibilities such as work, school, homework, meals, chores, sports, church activities, taking care of older parents, outreach, etc. In this case, I agree that JP II’s challenge is impossible.

HOWEVER, if you change your focus from the big picture to the small picture, creating a safe haven family is possible, and I’m going to show you how.

A safe haven family is created through spontaneous,simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interactions with one or more family members, one moment at a time.

Your days, no matter how busy, are filled with opportunities such as these.  Opportunities that don’t require lots of time or money, planning or organizing, goal charts, big expectations to dash.

As you pass your child in the hall in the morning on your way to get your first cup of coffee, you say, “Good morning, Sweetie.” While stuck in stopped traffic you send a simple text message (i.e., FIMH, or ILU) to your wife. Sit in the same room in front of one screen with no earbuds and watch a television or a movie together.

One spontaneous, simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interactions such as these over time have a powerful impact on the recipient and you, as well as the family as a whole. This is how a safe haven family is born.

I know that it’s tricky to wrap one’s mind around this simple idea. There are only two requirements: willingness and the ability to be present in the moment. To learn how to be present in the moment, click here. Here’s the catch. Most Americans don’t know how to be present in the moment.

Once you learn how to be present in the moment, you’ll begin to notice opportunities occurring naturally right in front of you. No planning, no charts, no organizing. Just tiny moments.

Begin with one simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interaction with one or more family members, one spontaneous moment at a time. This is the way a stronger family is built.

Try it today. Be aware and the moment will occur right in front of you.

I’d love to hear about one of your moments. You can post it here as a comment, or, better yet, visit the new “noogie” community and share it with others. Noogie is a new community of families committed to building stronger families one moment at a time.

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D., Director/Founder Triangle Psychological Services Cary, NC   919.380.1000   www.trypsych.com

“I did the exercises you suggested in Part 1, but WHAT ABOUT ME?!  When am I going to get MY needs met?”
“Are you suggesting that I should stop expecting that my wife to show me love?”
“I feel like I’m the only one giving in this marriage. That’s not the way it was when I married him.”
“I feel like my husband doesn’t even care about me!”

I know, I know. This self-giving stuff is tough. Most of the time it sounds just too idealistic, like he’s expecting us to be a saint or something (umm . . . yes). God created each of us with a desire to love and to be love; a longing for emotional bonding with others and, in a special way, with our spouse. The problem is that our humanity gets in the way. And, it more than likely got in the way for our parents, and their parents, and their parents, all the way back to the original parents of all of us.

Understanding this disruption in our natural desire for love and intimacy with our spouse can help us to experience love and intimacy more fully right at home in our marriage. To understand this disruption we need to understand something about bugs.

“BUGS! What do BUGS have to do with love!?”  Watch this video and see if you can see the correlation.

A Bugs Life (1998) – don’t look at the light!

Watching bugs can can help us to understand Ethology which can help us to understand humans. Ethology is a subdiscipline of biology that studies biological bases of behavior. It focuses on human and animal behavior as it occurs in natural environments, particularly how the human (or animal adapts to stress).

Here are some main concepts of ethology:

• Innate action patterns promoting individual survival through adaptation to stress
• Triggers for innate action patterns
• Critical periods in development
• Attachment

Attachment
Bowlby took this information and applied them to humans . He theorized that animals, and man, had an innate action pattern promoting individual survival that served to keep the baby animal safe in the face of danger. The action pattern basically entailed running back to mom and staying close to her, and mom protecting the youngin.

Bowlby asserted that for humans this innate action pattern of attachment forms within the first year of life. This theory is now well-known in the psychology world as Attachment Theory.

Because humans are humans and we have our own will and we don’t always follow God’s beautiful innate designs, sometimes attachment patterns form that interfere with subsequent healthy relationships. Bowlby wrote three volumes about humans and attachment, separation and loss and grief. Understanding attachment patterns can help us to understand why we act the way we do in relationships and how we can grow to have more intimacy in our marriage.

What are these patterns of attachment? Through a multitude of research over the past 30 years, four attachment patterns have been identified. They have been validated over and over and are now highly associated with functioning throughout the lifespan. We will only cover the three patterns that are within the normal range.

Attachment patterns develop based on how our needs were met in infancy and the early years of life. Through these early attachment experiences, we develop expectations about what we can expect from the other person in the relationship and what we are worthy of receiving from the other in the relationship. An “inner model” of this early attachment relationship forms which tends to guide a person’s behavior in all subsequent relationships. However, attachment patterns are not necessarily permanent and can change over time.

Secure
The parent was sensitive and responsive to the infant’s needs (most of the time). The young child developed expectations that the other person in the relationship will care about their needs and be relatively responsive. They will feel worthy of receiving care from others. These people are comfortable with intimacy.

Preoccupied
The parent was sensitive and responsive some of the time to the infant’s needs, but was often insenstive and unresponsive, depending on the parent’s needs. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be inconsistent about caring and responding to their needs. The person with a Preoccupied attachment pattern will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. This person will be anxious and somewhat hypervigilant about getting their needs met in relationships. Although they can be somewhat comfortable with a partner with a secure pattern, they are often described as “needy,” by romantic partners. They are usually willing, despite the challenge, to look at their behavior and consider change.

Dismissive
The parent was consistently insensitive and unresponsive to the infant/child’s needs, usually focusing on their own needs at the expense of the child’s. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be insensitive and unresponsive to their needs. They will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. They will feel that they should not expect others to help them or show them care and that others should feel the same way . They are convinced that this is absolutely fine and healthy; they tend to equate intimacy with loss of independence and often minimize closeness in relationships. They are usually experienced as emotionally distant. They are usually uncomfortable in relationships with secure partners, often viewing them as expecting too much close. Because Dismissive individuals view themselves as healthy they are resistant to change.

Now What?
You’re probably already thinking about your own attachment experiences and patterns. You might be thinking about your spouse’s as well. Remember, these attachment patterns are all within the normal range. About 50 % of folks have a Secure pattern, about 20% have the Preoccupied pattern and about 25% have the Dismissive pattern. These statistics are consistent across ages, gender, and cultures.

Here are some ideas for putting this information to good use:

1. Journal about your early attachment experiences with your parents. You probably had different attachment experiences with each of them. Did your parents seem preoccupied with their own needs and problems, or were they able to put those aside to be present with you? As you grew, could you count on them to be there for you when you had a problem? How do you remember feeling in your relationship with your parents? Can you have compassion for yourself in relationship now that you are exploring these experiences?
2.  Journal about how you experience intimacy with spouse. What feelings might be related to your own attachment pattern and the expectations you hold of him and yourself in your relationship?
3. Perhaps you know about your spouse’s early attachment experiences, perhaps not. In your journal, speculate about your spouse’s attachment pattern. How might these things be affecting his expectations of you and himself in your relationship? How might these things be interfering in the fulfillment you experience in your marriage? (Unless your spouse has chosen to explore these ideas, I would not recommend you begin to tell him about his attachment pattern!).
4. Look for small ways that you can be sensitive and responsive to your spouse’s needs. And remember, what your spouse needs in the way of intimacy is very likely different than what you need. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. Perhaps his way of showing his love is by doing things but not talking. Perhaps she needs physical touch, such as gently touching her hand or cheek, holding her hand, or lovingly placing your hand on her back. Perhaps she needs to be left alone when she has been with the kids all day.

Often we think there is one right way to show intimacy and love. This is a fallacy.  Understanding, empathy and acceptance of each other as we are is one way that will bring us the fulfillment we desire in our marriage.

If you want to read more I recommend the book Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do, by Clinton and Sibcy.    

Dr. Patti M. Zordich is a licensed psychologist and Director/Founder of Triangle Psychological Services in Cary, NC.  You can reach her at 919.380.1000 or at drpattiz@trypsych.com.  Or, follow her on Twitter, @drpattiz, or Facebook.com/TrianglePsychologicalServices.

“I just wish we could talk more; talk about our feelings more, I mean,” Connie said longingly.  “I wish he was more affectionate.” As Connie spoke, James, her husband, sat still, not saying a word.  When I turned my gaze to him, he offered , “Nothing I do is ever enough.”

“I come home from work and I want to share my day with her.  She doesn’t seem interested.  She’s preoccupied with the kids or she’s preparing dinner.  It seems like she gets annoyed with me when I start to talk to her,” Tom’s voice was sad and frustrated.  In her defense Sharon offered, “I’ve been with the kids all day and I just don’t feel like talking anymore.”

These comments are expressed fairly frequently in my office by spouses looking for help with their marriage.  Sometimes, like Connie, it’s the woman who wants more from her husband.  Occasionally,  like Tom and Sharon, the shoe is on the other foot and the husband feels ignored.

The Root of The Problem
How we express love and how we accept, or avoid, others’ bids for love are, in large part, related to the quality of love that was shown to us when we were very young.  Were our attachment figures, usually our mother and father, attentive, caring and affectionate?  Did we experience them as understanding when we expressed feelings like sadness, fear, or a need for affection?  Or did they tend to hold back, interacting with us only when we needed to accomplish something such as homework, chores, or dinner or hardly ever? Perhaps they were overbearing so that we felt we hardly had room to breathe.

As much as we might not want to believe it, our early parental relationships, and I mean in the first few years of life, strongly affect the quality of our relationships in adulthood.

Attachment Styles and Marriage
Understanding your attachment style as well as your spouse’s can help you to have empathy for yourself and your spouse.  You will have more acceptance for your spouse because you’ll realize that there is not one right way to express marital love.  Neither you or your spouse is right or wrong, good or bad.

Try the following exercise.

1.  Think about one of the earliest memories you have of a time with you and one of your parents.  What was the quality of each of this relationship?   Write down 5 words to describe the relationship between the two of you; not words that describe your parent, but the quality of the relationship between the two of you.

2.  Next, think about your relationship with your spouse.  Do any of those words describe the quality of your relationship with your spouse?  Most of the time there is a positive correlation between the two. So what does this mean?

3.  We often act toward our spouse as if they are that person in that early relationship treating us the way that person treated us.  So, just consider for a moment that this might be true.  Now consider the possibility that your spouse is communicating love to you, only differently than it was by your early attachment figures.  As you consider this possibility, write down five ways your spouse communicates their love for you.  It might be preparing your favorite meal, spending time with you but not talking, mowing the lawn, suggesting that you watch a movie together, giving you a kiss or making eye contact when you return from work.

4.  Over the next week, try to add to your list.  By the end of the week, try to have at least 15 ways your spouse shows their love to you.

5.  The last part of this exercise is to allow yourself to appreciate being loved by your spouse the way they show it.

Watch for my next article when I will explain the different attachment styles and how your understanding of each other’s styles can improve the quality of intimacy and communication in your marriage.

©Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D.  Triangle Psychological Services 919.380.1000

I was reading about spiritual motherhood about the same time gangs of teenagers were terrorizing many areas throughout London.  I thought about so many young men and women whose lives are filled with violence, selfishness, and anger.  As a therapist, I am aware that selfishness and anger are often covers for self-hatred and fear and even sadness and grief.  These covers are effective for an individual because they feel strong and safe, rather than the vulnerability and fear that lies just beneath the surface.

It is not uncommon that these vulnerable youth are raised solely by their mothers and grandmothers; that their fathers are missing in action.  No doubt their fathers are grown up versions of themselves.  These mothers and grandmothers, trying to raise their children by themselves, feed their children, protect their children are worn out because they too  were raised by their mothers with checked out fathers.  Often they put themselves last in order to serve their children.

In order to provide healthy attachment experiences, or spiritual motherhood, one must have received it from their parent or by another attachment figure along the way.

What I thought about as these two realities mingled in my mind, spiritual motherhood and the lost rioting teens, was spiritual fatherhood.  All children need their fathers.  They need the strength, courage, guidance and singlemindedness that is often seen in men who provide healthy attachment experiences to their children and loved ones.

Just as with spiritual motherhood, a man does not need to be a biological father to provide spiritual fathering to others.  Yes, what these rioting teens need, among other things, are strong fathers, spiritual fathers, who support their child to rise up and use the gifts with which they were created.  Spiritual fatherhood provides healthy attachment experiences that can lead others to their ultimate spiritual father, God.  Without spiritual fatherhood the soul flounders and becomes lost.

It is time for men to acknowledge their spiritual fatherhood and consider how to support, encourage, and guide lost fathers, lost boys, and lost girls.  John Paul II described mothers as “everyday heroes.”  Let all men discover their spiritual fatherhood and become “everyday heroes.”

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D., Triangle Psychological Services, Raleigh, NC, office@trypsych.com, 919.380.1000

In this article, you will watch a video of a homecoming similar to those many newly adoptive parents arrange for the day they bring their child home. Their Gotcha Day. I have heard such memories recounted in my therapy office many times. Adoptive families believe this will bring happiness to their newly adopted child. They so want their new adopted child to feel loved.

Sometimes what we think is best for our child, isn’t really,  Especially when our child has Early Relational Trauma from living in an orphanage or in foster care.  We need to take into account the child’s previous experiences.  We need to be sensitive to the child’s unmet early developmental needs of nurturing.  And, we need to be responsive to the needs that are being expressed.  How do we do this?  Read the full article here at newadoptionresources.com.

Enjoy!

Thus, Triangle Psychological Services was born.  The word triangle represents the following:

• all we do points to God
• all we do comes from God
• our mission is to serve God
• the Holy Trinity

Many people in our area often think that “triangle” stands for the area in which we live otherwise known as  “The Research Triangle.”  As you see from above, this is not the case.

The word psychological was important because we are well trained professionals in the field of psychology and we are Christian.  All of the clinicians who are part of the TPS team have professional degrees and licenses in the field of psychology, social work, or counseling.  We are not spiritual directors or advisors.

In 2010, I took one step further and had a logo created for our name.  The TPS team chose the red dove with the olive branch to represent the following:

• the importance of the Holy Spirit in our work
• our desire to be the living expression of Christ’s healing peace

Now you know the history of our name.  Our name encompasses who we are and our mission.  Everything we do at Triangle Psychological Services is in service of this mission.  We do this in the following ways:

• adult and child individual psychotherapy
• marriage counseling
• family counseling
• psychological testing
• speakers’ bureau:  Internet Safety, Gotcha!,  Welcoming Your Newly Adopted Child Home, Transitioning Your EIP into College

Let us know how we can serve you.  Send us an email or call Dr. Patti M. Zordich at 919.380.1000.

In 2003, a conference of Matrimonial Lawyers cited pornography addiction as one of the primary causes in 2 out of 3 divorces.

The first step in healing is willingness. The willingness to look at oneself honestly makes it possible to begin the journey to freedom.

Take five minutes to answer the following questions.

1. Do you think about sex more often than you would like?
2. Do sexual thoughts interfere with your ability to concentrate at work or at school?
3. Have you ever promised yourself that you would never again view pornography?
4. Would you rather masturbate than be sexual with your partner?
5. Has an important relationship in your life ended because you wouldn’t stop viewing pornography?

If you answered yes to at least two of the questions, it is likely that you would benefit from individual or group therapy to stop your pornography viewing.  So now what?

The next step requires the courage to take action. It is time to come out of the shadows of pornography addiction. You are not alone. There is help.

Escape the bondage of your pornography habit with at least one of these three effective solutions:

1. Support Groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous
2. Spiritual direction with a priest or minister
   
3. Individual or Group Psychotherapy in-office or tele-counseling.  We are one of the few Sexual Addiction programs in the Piedmont of North Carolina that address this devastating problem from a Christian-based perspective.  This perspective is a compassionate one and one in which sexual drive and desire is valued as a vital part of who we are and who God created us to be. 

 Click here for more information about our Treasure in Earthen Vessels Freedom from Sexual Addiction program.

Or, Contact us for more information about our Treasure in Earthen Vessels services.
919.380.100 or click here to email us.

Taking the first step in recovery is never easy.  But, the rewards will outweigh the cost.  Take back your life, your family, your marriage.  Experience the love and forgiveness the journey of sexual addiction recovery brings.

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and Founder of Triangle Psychological Services in Cary, NC.  The Treasure in Earthen Vessels:  Freedom from Pornography program is loosely based on the My Father’s House Initiative in the Archdiocese of Kansas City, Kansas.

919.380.1000    www.trypsych.com       @drpattiz          Facebook.com/TrianglePsychologicalServices

This series,

Living life in communion with God is the surest way to live in joy and peace.

What exactly is a life of joy and peace?

• It is living in God’s grace which strengthens us to navigate the unpredictable disappointments and challenges life inevitably brings.
• It is confidence that we are making right choices with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.
• It is loving others even when they do not meet our expectations.
• It is living a life free from the bondage of past hurts and disappointments.

No matter the quality of our relationship with God, the actions of others in our world affect us.  This includes our family of origin, spouse, peers, teachers, ministers and clergy, employers, society, government, nature.  The list goes on.  Most people have been hurt in some way by the world around them and suffer as a result.  You might be aware of your own suffering or subconsciously struggle in your relationships with your family, peers, the world, yourself and with God as a result.  You might be experiencing anxiety, depression, anger or relationship problems.  Consequently, one might not live a life of joy and peace.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas,  “Grace builds upon nature.”  What happens if our nature is shaky?

Unless we heal past pain and disappointment, our access to God’s grace is blocked or restricted.  Healing past hurt clears away those obstacles, widening the pathway of grace.  This will enable you to benefit fully from God’s grace, have strength in the face of tribulation and disappointment, and experience joy and peace.

In the next article in this series, Healing Emotions and the Passions, I will provide guidelines to help you answer the question, “How do I know if I am suffering if I’m not aware of it?”

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist and Director/Founder of Triangle Psychology Services, a practice
in Cary, NC with a mission to integrate psychology and faith.  www.trypsych.com  919.342.3458

“Really?” you say?  I know, on some days, some months, even some years,  it’s difficult to believe this.

You’ve probably heard the saying, “God doesn’t make junk.”  Everything God creates is beautiful.  It is our human nature that affects the quality or experience of the gift.

Because of our human nature, marriage does not always appear or feel beautiful.  Sometimes it feels like a desert or a thunderstorm or a never-ending gray day.  Sometimes we wonder if God really led us to marry this person!  And if so, why?!

As with all of our gifts from God, they are given to help us grow in the Spirit, to become more Holy.

In marriage we are challenged to see the face of Christ in our spouse. It challenges us to practice acceptance and forgiveness with our spouse as Jesus accepts and forgives each of us.  Marriage challenges us to move outside of ourselves and to let go of what we want and what we think we need.

Ultimately, we are called to bring the light of Christ, the love of Christ, to everyone we encounter.  What better place to practice than within our marriage? If we can do this with our spouse, then we could do it with anyone, right?

This isn’t easy, especially when you have been suffering for a long time.  Sometimes I get the question, “But God’s grace should be enough.”  We must remember what Aquinas said, “Grace builds upon nature.”  Nature is our humanity.

Guidance from a marriage therapist can help you and your spouse sort through the confusion, hurt and anger.  It might be that one of you chooses to seek individual counseling first if the other spouse isn’t open to outside help. Talking to a spiritual director or advisor can help a spouse individually or the couple together and that, in turn, helps the marriage.

When possible, seeking both counseling and spiritual direction is how you will find the most help for your marriage.

Most importantly, turn to prayer, scripture and the sacraments for strength and guidance.  Remember –  you are not alone in this struggle.  Let yourself be open to the transforming grace of God and be ready to take the next step with Him in the path of healing He offers you.

You may have heard it said somewhere that love is an action, not a feeling. There is no time in life that this is more true and more crucial than in infancy. The sad fact is that this is a rarity for children who are abandoned, whose early life is spent in an orphanage or who lived in a chronically neglectful or abusive family. Unmet, this need for nurturing does not disappear.

Meeting these early nurturing needs forges the indispensable foundation upon which all subsequent healthy development depends.

In order to grow up on the inside a child must experience that they are good and capable and loved. This needs to come first from others before they can know it themselves.

In order to grow up on the inside they must experience this love in the way they needed to experience it as an infant. Now. By doing so, they will be free to be the person God created them to be.  They will be able to manage life’s disappointments and have healthy relationships.

What will not work is relying on words or reasoning or “parenting discipline strategies” with these children, as we do with our children who spend their first months and years in a loving family, is like telling an infant that they don’t have to be scared and expecting them to calm down, stop crying and be happy.

How do we begin filling in this developmental gap for our adopted children?  In my work helping adopted children and their parents, I have found Cocooning™ to be the answer.

“What is Cocooning™?” you ask?

Cocooning™ is sheltered time away from the hubbub of the outside world, just like the first few months after birth when a mother and her newborn are like one. This is a vital experience for the beginning of the development of a healthy person.  It is a time at home together, resting, cuddling, and getting to know each other in a nurturing, relaxed atmosphere.

Cocooning will help your child begin to experience you as a safe haven. During this time parents provide the child with experiences of safe and appropriate interactions that engender a sense of safety, trust and well-being.

Cocooning™ helps …

• Facilitate opportunities for positive and healing attachment experiences
• Decrease overstimulation and triggering of trauma reactions
• Begin child’s healing and growth developmentally, emotionally, and cognitively
• Parents become familiar with your individual and unique child
• Establish family routines based on family, uniqueness of child, health of child

The idea of Cocooning™ with your newly adopted child may run counter to what you think you should be doing with your child who is no longer an infant and who may even be a toddler or an older child. People in your life such as relatives, friends, pediatricians and social workers may not agree with you following these methods.

You may find yourself alone in your conviction that giving your child and yourself the time and space to just be together, like when a new mother brings her infant home, is the most important thing you can do right now to solidify your child’s emotional development.

If this describes you, then my new book, Gotcha! Welcoming Your Child Home, is written for you. Gotcha! is due for release in early 2011. With this book as the vehicle, I will mentor you to provide you with the permission, support, encouragement and guidance to insulate you and your newly adopted child.

Also, available with the release of Gotcha! will be The Gotcha! Kit. The Gotcha! Kit includes all the tools you will need to help your family Cocoon™. A list of items is included in the Gotcha! Welcoming Your Child Home, in the event that you would like to be able to compile your own kit. A section in the book describes how to use the Gotcha! Kit items to help your child develop a capable, lovable, and valuable self-image, to develop affect regulation and to grow up on the inside.

Excerpt from Gotcha! Welcoming Your Child Home, a new book for parents of adopted children by Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, Director of Triangle Psychological Services, Cary, NC.

Coming Soon in 2011!

To order your advance copy click here.

www.trypsych.com 919.342.3458