There are certain characteristics that every parent wants to see in their daughter, from doing well in school to having good friends.  Parents desire for their daughters to be confident and well-adjusted.  Unfortunately this is not something that happens overnight.  Many of you have likely experienced that girls can be fragile and confusing creatures who seem impossible to please as they head into the “tween” stage.  It seems easier to learn particle physics than try to figure out what has upset her.

Your little angel is headed towards being a teenager and those waters can be difficult to navigate.  With influences like Lady Gaga, Twilight, and Abercrombie & Fitch, your daughters are being bombarded with how they should dress, how they should act, how they should treat boys, and what real life is supposedly like.

What can you do as a parent to make sure your daughter is hearing your voice among all the other voices? Even though your daughter may act like you are the last person she pays attention to, she is listening. Here are 5 ideas to help you:

• show interest in what’s important to her
• support her when she tries new things
• spend time with her one on one
• get to know her friends
• listen to her opinions even when they are different from yours

A strong daughter comes from a home where she is comfortable to express who she is and encouraging her to be herself.  When a daughter is accepted by her parents, her identity is reinforced and she can be comfortable in her own skin.

As she journeys through these difficult years, she will know that she has a safe haven at her home where she is validated by her parents.   She is free to discover who she is as God’s creation.  Take time today to tell your daughter what her strengths are and how beautiful you think she is.  Those words will stick with her for a long time.

Emily N. Roberts, MA, LPC is a Child, Adult & Family Therapist with Triangle Psychological Services in Cary and Wake Forest, NC.  She facilitates two groups for girls:  Strong Girls (7-10 yrs.) and Feminine Integrity (12 – 15 yrs.).  You can learn more about them by clicking here.  Or just give us a call (919.380.1000)  or email us (office@trypsych.com).     

Does this statement describe your household on school nights?  If so,  a better understanding of your child’s study skills and learning needs might be in order. Many times students avoid homework, don’t bring home the right materials, don’t write down the due date, or spend hours trying to complete a few assignments. Perhaps they study for a test, seem to know the material, then fold under pressure at school on test day and come home with a poor grade. If that description fits your child, there’s a lot you can do to help.

Basic, good study habits include a quiet, well-lit spot to study, reducing distractions, using a planner, binders with well organized tabs and pockets and highlighters – all good ideas for your struggling student.

There are many other study and organizational skills that parents, teachers and students find helpful. If your child is not keeping up with assignments or is missing key materials for completing them, you may want to ask if the teacher would set up a “peer buddy” with whom your child can check in. The peer buddy and your child will compare notes at the end of the day to make sure they both have the lesson assignment written down correctly and have put the necessary materials into the backpack. The teacher may also be willing to do a quick planner check at the end of each day to confirm that assignments have been written down correctly as well. You can check each morning to make sure assignments get back to school.

Help your child experiment with different study skills to see which they prefer and what works best. If your child responds well to visuals, encourage highlighting, graphic organizers, etc. to organize information for studying. If they love their earbuds, try recording material so they can listen, replay, and listen some more. For younger active children try active games or music, e.g. singing the multiplication tables. These are just a few study skills that might help your student become a more effective learner and improve grades.

Another option is to consider a study skills group where your child can join with other students to improve study skills. Be sure the group is designed to meet individual needs of each participant, however, not just offering a canned, one-size-fits-all program.

Lastly, if your child continues to struggle significantly with homework and tests, resulting in poor grades and mounting frustration, you may want to consider psychoeducational testing to determine the exact nature of the problem and the most effective interventions. With improved study skills, your child can improve their grades and even enjoy the process!

Nancy Driscoll, MA, School Psychologist, Facilitator of Study Skills for Teens: Create a Plan that Works for You, an individualized study skills group at Triangle Psychological Services in Cary, NC.  Call today to register (919.380.1000) or click here for more information.

1. God created us as sexual beings!  Sexuality, desire, morality and character are all in God’s plan for each human.  Children need to understand their changing bodies and how to be good stewards of our bodies.
2. As Christian parents we need to understand chastity and modesty.  Chastity is controlling voluntary expression of sexual pleasure according to our state in life.  Modesty is the virtue that controls any acts which might cause lust or lead to sexual acts.
3. Don’t let your discomfort keep you from talking to your child about sex.  You are the most important person in your child’s life and he needs to hear this from you!  By opening the lines of communication, your child will eventually trust that he can come to you with questions, not his peers.  If you refrain from talking to your child about sex, he will mistakenly learn that sex is “shameful” and “bad.”
4. This is difficult for everyone.  Most adults never had this experience with their parents.  You are not alone. Ask a friend about how they talk to their child.  Share stories, laugh.
5. Be prepared.  This tip sheet is a great start!  Read some of Gregory Popcak’s “Beyond the Birds and the Bees” or Fr. Henry V. Sattler’s “Parents, Children and The Facts of Life.”  You don’t need to read the whole book.
6. Share joy and pride in your child becoming a young woman or young man.  Fathers, take your son out to buy shaving supplies.  Moms, take your daughter out to buy her first real bra.
7. Be honest, short and sweet.  Don’t give too much information at first.  When your children are entering puberty, you’ll need to initiate the conversation.  Start small.  For example, ask him if he knows what ______ is.  Or what his friends say it is.  Then you can give him a simple, straight forward explanation.
8. Be matter of fact, despite feeling nervous.  Normalize your child’s feelings – this means you let your child know their feelings and body sensations are normal.  Assure them that they are not “bad” when they have these sensations or thoughts.  They need to know that sexuality is beautiful and part of God’s plan for each of us.
9. Provide your child with tools to appropriately attend to his growing changes.  For example:  Dads, talk to your son about your feelings when your genitals became aroused, normalize, provide a couple tools for dealing these feelings.  Moms,  share with your daughter how you felt when you began menstruating, normalize, be sure you have supplies on hand.
10. Strive to encourage conversation, don’t lecture.  This discussion will be ongoing over time, not a one time conversation.  You don’t have to, nor should you, try to get it all in during one conversation!  Once you begin opening the line of conversation in this way, you won’t be as uncomfortable and neither will your tween.

1.  Make sure you have a website.  You can use wordpress which is very easy; just start with one of their templates.  Choose a domain name using either your practice name or a good keyword (a keyword is a word that someone looking for your services would use to search in Google.  I use GoDaddy.com to get my domain names.  They have great customer service.

2.  Make a Facebook Fan Page.  This is a public page to advertise your practice on the internet.  You will be asked to include information such as web address and contact information.  You can use the same name as your website domain name, your practice name, or another keyword.  You’ll need to have a Facebook Profile Page first.  This is the personal page – be sure to set the privacy settings to the most private setting.  Anyone looking at your Facebook Fan Page will not have access to your Facebook Profile Page.  To get started on your Facebook Fan Page, just enter “making a Fan Page” in the search box at the top of your Profile Page.  From there you will be guided through all of the steps.  It’s pretty straightforward.
3.  Promote your Facebook Fanpage.  Send an email to all of your friends, family and colleagues with a link to your Facebook Fan Page asking them to “Like” your page.  (That means they’ll click on the “like” box at the top of your Fan Page.)  This helps you get recognized and show up in Google, Facebook, etc.  Add a link to both your website and your Facebook Fanpage to your signature line in your emails.

4.  Know your audience. Are they all clients?  All they a mix of clients and colleagues?  Do they want to know about family issues, education, etc.?  What do they want to know. Use this information when choosing items to post on your Facebook Fan Page.

5.  Use the 80/20 rule.  80% of your posts to your Facebook Fan Page (or any social media channel) should be valuable information you are sharing with no self-promotion.  20% of your posts can be self-promotion.  Promote specifics that you offer, events, articles, blog posts, etc.  Include link to your website or where ever they can find this info.  Check out my Facebook Fanpages for examples:  facebook.com/TrianglePsychologicalServices and facebook.com/BuildingStrongerFamilies.

©Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D. 2012/office@trypsych.com/919.380.1000/www.trypsych.com

Is your family a safe haven where children, mothers and fathers experience true acceptance, caring, openness for sharing joys and sorrows? When discord and tension arise, do the members of your family experience pardon, forgiveness and reconciliation? Is it, as Chesterton said, a place where you can truly be yourself, trusting, without a doubt, that you are loved no matter what?

John Paul II said that the family is responsible for revealing, communicating and guarding this type of love through each individual’s unique gifts, little by little, through solidarity.

Wow,” you might say, “this is impossible. It’s too good to be true.”

You’re correct . . .only if you think this requires big chunks of time for big activities; only if you think this requires planning, organizing, goals, charts, outings and time. Whew! This would be unrealistic if you have the average family’s responsibilities such as work, school, homework, meals, chores, sports, church activities, taking care of older parents, outreach, etc. In this case, I agree that JP II’s challenge is impossible.

HOWEVER, if you change your focus from the big picture to the small picture, creating a safe haven family is possible, and I’m going to show you how.

A safe haven family is created through spontaneous,simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interactions with one or more family members, one moment at a time.

Your days, no matter how busy, are filled with opportunities such as these.  Opportunities that don’t require lots of time or money, planning or organizing, goal charts, big expectations to dash.

As you pass your child in the hall in the morning on your way to get your first cup of coffee, you say, “Good morning, Sweetie.” While stuck in stopped traffic you send a simple text message (i.e., FIMH, or ILU) to your wife. Sit in the same room in front of one screen with no earbuds and watch a television or a movie together.

One spontaneous, simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interactions such as these over time have a powerful impact on the recipient and you, as well as the family as a whole. This is how a safe haven family is born.

I know that it’s tricky to wrap one’s mind around this simple idea. There are only two requirements: willingness and the ability to be present in the moment. To learn how to be present in the moment, click here. Here’s the catch. Most Americans don’t know how to be present in the moment.

Once you learn how to be present in the moment, you’ll begin to notice opportunities occurring naturally right in front of you. No planning, no charts, no organizing. Just tiny moments.

Begin with one simple, caring, thoughtful, loving interaction with one or more family members, one spontaneous moment at a time. This is the way a stronger family is built.

Try it today. Be aware and the moment will occur right in front of you.

I’d love to hear about one of your moments. You can post it here as a comment, or, better yet, visit the new “noogie” community and share it with others. Noogie is a new community of families committed to building stronger families one moment at a time.

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D., noogie founder/Director & Founder Triangle Psychological Services Cary, NC   919.380.1000   www.trypsych.com

A Bugs Life (1998) – don’t look at the light!

You might be thinking, “I’m still not sure how watching bugs can can help me to understand my marriage.”  After reading Part I of this series you might be asking, “I did the exercises you suggested in Part 1, but WHAT ABOUT ME?!  When am I going to get MY needs met?”  “Are you suggesting that I should stop expecting that my wife to show me love?”  “I feel like I’m the only one giving in this marriage. That’s not the way it was when I married him.”
“I feel like my husband doesn’t even care about me!”

I know, I know. This self-giving stuff is tough. Most of the time it sounds just too idealistic, like he’s expecting us to be a saint or something (umm . . . yes). God created each of us with a desire to love and to be love; a longing for emotional bonding with others and, in a special way, with our spouse. The problem is that our humanity gets in the way. And, it more than likely got in the way for our parents, and their parents, and their parents, all the way back to the original parents of all of us.

Okay, so back to bugs and how they can help us to understand why we act the way we do in our marriage.  Or, why our husband, or wife, acts the way he does in our marriage.  Watching bugs can can help us to understandadapts to stress).

Here’s a little bug science (better known as ethology) that can help us learn more about marriage:

• Bug’s behavior shows us how our actions in love are actually related to  how we adapt  to stress
• Bugs’ behavior can help us to understand that we have triggers for automatic behaviors in response to our spouse
• How we form and maintain loving relationships

Okay – But What Does This Have to Do With My Marriage?
Bowlby, an ethologist by profession, took this information and applied them to people. He theorized that animals, and man, had an automatic way we keep ourselves safe when we think we are going to be hurt. This can be seen easily when we think of a 2 year old running back to mom to feel safe.

Bowlby said that for people this automatic pattern of attachment forms within the first year of life! This theory is now well-known in the psychology world as Attachment Theory.

Because people are people and we have our own will and we don’t always follow God’s beautiful innate designs, sometimes attachment patterns form that actually keep us from having healthy, fulfilling marriages. These patterns can keep us from receiving or giving love and care in our marriage.  Understanding a little about attachment patterns can help us to understand why we act the way we do in relationships and how we can grow to have more intimacy in our marriage.

What are these patterns of attachment? Through a multitude of research over the past 30 years, four attachment patterns have been identified. They’ve been validated over and over and are now highly connected with many different areas of our life:  work, marriage, parenting, etc.

Attachment patterns develop based on how our needs were met in infancy and the early years of life. Based on our early relationships with our parents adults have expectations about what can be expected from our spouse and what we’re worthy of receiving from our spouse. This tends to guide how a person behaves in all relationships, especially marriage. Thankfully these attachment patterns do not have to be permanent and can change.  Here are three major attachment patterns.  See which one seems most like you when you think about how your mother/father showed you care and also which one seems most like you in your marriage.

Secure
The parent was sensitive and responsive to the infant’s needs (most of the time). The young child developed expectations that the other person in the relationship will care about their needs and be relatively responsive. He will feel worthy of receiving care from others. He is comfortable with intimacy.

Preoccupied
The parent was sensitive and responsive some of the time to the infant’s needs, but was often insenstive and unresponsive, depending on the parent’s needs. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be inconsistent about caring and responding to their needs. The person with a Preoccupied attachment pattern will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. This person will be anxious about getting her needs met in relationships. Although she can be somewhat comfortable with a spouse who has a secure pattern of attachment, she is often described as “needy,” by her husband or boyfriend. She is usually willing, despite the challenge, to look at her behavior and consider change.

Dismissive
The parent was consistently insensitive and unresponsive to the infant/child’s needs, usually focusing on their own needs at the expense of the child’s. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be insensitive and unresponsive to their needs. He will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. He will feel that he shouldn’t expect his wife to help him or show him care and that this is how everyone feels. He is convinced that this is absolutely fine and healthy;he tends to equate intimacy with loss of independence and often minimize closeness in relationships. He is usually experienced by his wife or girlfriend as emotionally distant. He is usually uncomfortable in relationships with secure partners, often viewing them as expecting too much closeness. Because Dismissive individuals view themselves as healthy they are resistant to change.

Now What?
You’re probably already thinking about your own attachment experiences and patterns. You might be thinking about your spouse’s as well. Remember, these attachment patterns are all within the normal range. About 50 % of folks have a Secure pattern, about 20% have the Preoccupied pattern and about 25% have the Dismissive pattern. These statistics are consistent across ages, gender, and cultures.

Here are some ideas for putting this information to good use:

1. Journal about your early attachment experiences with your parents. You probably had different attachment experiences with each of them. Did your parents seem preoccupied with their own needs and problems, or were they able to put those aside to be present with you? As you grew, could you count on them to be there for you when you had a problem? How do you remember feeling in your relationship with your parents? Can you have compassion for yourself in relationship now that you are exploring these experiences?
2.  Journal about how you experience intimacy with spouse. What feelings might be related to your own attachment pattern and the expectations you hold of him and yourself in your relationship?
3. Perhaps you know about your spouse’s early attachment experiences, perhaps not. In your journal, speculate about your spouse’s attachment pattern. How might these things be affecting his expectations of you and himself in your relationship? How might these things be interfering in the fulfillment you experience in your marriage? (Unless your spouse has chosen to explore these ideas, I would not recommend you begin to tell him about his attachment pattern!).
4. Look for small ways that you can be sensitive and responsive to your spouse’s needs. And remember, what your spouse needs in the way of intimacy is very likely different than what you need. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. Perhaps his way of showing his love is by doing things but not talking. Perhaps she needs physical touch, such as gently touching her hand or cheek, holding her hand, or lovingly placing your hand on her back. Perhaps she needs to be left alone when she has been with the kids all day.

Often we think there is one right way to show intimacy and love. This is a fallacy.  Understanding, empathy and acceptance of each other as we are is one way that will bring us the fulfillment we desire in our marriage.

If you want to read more I recommend the book Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do, by Clinton and Sibcy.    

Dr. Patti M. Zordich is a licensed psychologist and Director/Founder of Triangle Psychological Services in Cary, NC.  You can reach her at 919.380.1000 or at drpattiz@trypsych.com.  Or, follow her on Twitter, @drpattiz, or Facebook.com/TrianglePsychologicalServices.

“I just wish we could talk more; talk about our feelings more, I mean,” Connie said longingly.  “I wish he was more affectionate.” As Connie spoke, James, her husband, sat still, not saying a word.  When I turned my gaze to him, he offered , “Nothing I do is ever enough.”

“I come home from work and I want to share my day with her.  She doesn’t seem interested.  She’s preoccupied with the kids or she’s preparing dinner.  It seems like she gets annoyed with me when I start to talk to her,” Tom’s voice was sad and frustrated.  In her defense Sharon offered, “I’ve been with the kids all day and I just don’t feel like talking anymore.”

These comments are expressed fairly frequently in my office by spouses looking for help with their marriage.  Sometimes, like Connie, it’s the woman who wants more from her husband.  Occasionally,  like Tom and Sharon, the shoe is on the other foot and the husband feels ignored.

The Root of The Problem
How we express love and how we accept, or avoid, others’ bids for love are, in large part, related to the quality of love that was shown to us when we were very young.  Were our attachment figures, usually our mother and father, attentive, caring and affectionate?  Did we experience them as understanding when we expressed feelings like sadness, fear, or a need for affection?  Or did they tend to hold back, interacting with us only when we needed to accomplish something such as homework, chores, or dinner or hardly ever? Perhaps they were overbearing so that we felt we hardly had room to breathe.

As much as we might not want to believe it, our early parental relationships, and I mean in the first few years of life, strongly affect the quality of our relationships in adulthood.

Attachment Styles and Marriage
Understanding your attachment style as well as your spouse’s can help you to have empathy for yourself and your spouse.  You will have more acceptance for your spouse because you’ll realize that there is not one right way to express marital love.  Neither you or your spouse is right or wrong, good or bad.

Try the following exercise.

1.  Think about one of the earliest memories you have of a time with you and one of your parents.  What was the quality of each of this relationship?   Write down 5 words to describe the relationship between the two of you; not words that describe your parent, but the quality of the relationship between the two of you.

2.  Next, think about your relationship with your spouse.  Do any of those words describe the quality of your relationship with your spouse?  Most of the time there is a positive correlation between the two. So what does this mean?

3.  We often act toward our spouse as if they are that person in that early relationship treating us the way that person treated us.  So, just consider for a moment that this might be true.  Now consider the possibility that your spouse is communicating love to you, only differently than it was by your early attachment figures.  As you consider this possibility, write down five ways your spouse communicates their love for you.  It might be preparing your favorite meal, spending time with you but not talking, mowing the lawn, suggesting that you watch a movie together, giving you a kiss or making eye contact when you return from work.

4.  Over the next week, try to add to your list.  By the end of the week, try to have at least 15 ways your spouse shows their love to you.

5.  The last part of this exercise is to allow yourself to appreciate being loved by your spouse the way they show it.

Watch for my next article when I will explain the different attachment styles and how your understanding of each other’s styles can improve the quality of intimacy and communication in your marriage.

©Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D.  Triangle Psychological Services 919.380.1000

I was reading about spiritual motherhood about the same time gangs of teenagers were terrorizing many areas throughout London.  I thought about so many young men and women whose lives are filled with violence, selfishness, and anger.  As a therapist, I am aware that selfishness and anger are often covers for self-hatred and fear and even sadness and grief.  These covers are effective for an individual because they feel strong and safe, rather than the vulnerability and fear that lies just beneath the surface.

It is not uncommon that these vulnerable youth are raised solely by their mothers and grandmothers; that their fathers are missing in action.  No doubt their fathers are grown up versions of themselves.  These mothers and grandmothers, trying to raise their children by themselves, feed their children, protect their children are worn out because they too  were raised by their mothers with checked out fathers.  Often they put themselves last in order to serve their children.

In order to provide healthy attachment experiences, or spiritual motherhood, one must have received it from their parent or by another attachment figure along the way.

What I thought about as these two realities mingled in my mind, spiritual motherhood and the lost rioting teens, was spiritual fatherhood.  All children need their fathers.  They need the strength, courage, guidance and singlemindedness that is often seen in men who provide healthy attachment experiences to their children and loved ones.

Just as with spiritual motherhood, a man does not need to be a biological father to provide spiritual fathering to others.  Yes, what these rioting teens need, among other things, are strong fathers, spiritual fathers, who support their child to rise up and use the gifts with which they were created.  Spiritual fatherhood provides healthy attachment experiences that can lead others to their ultimate spiritual father, God.  Without spiritual fatherhood the soul flounders and becomes lost.

It is time for men to acknowledge their spiritual fatherhood and consider how to support, encourage, and guide lost fathers, lost boys, and lost girls.  John Paul II described mothers as “everyday heroes.”  Let all men discover their spiritual fatherhood and become “everyday heroes.”

Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D., Triangle Psychological Services, Raleigh, NC, office@trypsych.com, 919.380.1000

In this article, you will watch a video of a homecoming similar to those many newly adoptive parents arrange for the day they bring their child home. Their Gotcha Day. I have heard such memories recounted in my therapy office many times. Adoptive families believe this will bring happiness to their newly adopted child. They so want their new adopted child to feel loved.

Sometimes what we think is best for our child, isn’t really,  Especially when our child has Early Relational Trauma from living in an orphanage or in foster care.  We need to take into account the child’s previous experiences.  We need to be sensitive to the child’s unmet early developmental needs of nurturing.  And, we need to be responsive to the needs that are being expressed.  How do we do this?  Read the full article here at newadoptionresources.com.

Enjoy!

Thus, Triangle Psychological Services was born.  The word triangle represents the following:

• all we do points to God
• all we do comes from God
• our mission is to serve God
• the Holy Trinity

Many people in our area often think that “triangle” stands for the area in which we live otherwise known as  “The Research Triangle.”  As you see from above, this is not the case.

The word psychological was important because we are well trained professionals in the field of psychology and we are Christian.  All of the clinicians who are part of the TPS team have professional degrees and licenses in the field of psychology, social work, or counseling.  We are not spiritual directors or advisors.

In 2010, I took one step further and had a logo created for our name.  The TPS team chose the red dove with the olive branch to represent the following:

• the importance of the Holy Spirit in our work
• our desire to be the living expression of Christ’s healing peace

Now you know the history of our name.  Our name encompasses who we are and our mission.  Everything we do at Triangle Psychological Services is in service of this mission.  We do this in the following ways:

• adult and child individual psychotherapy
• marriage counseling
• family counseling
• psychological testing
• speakers’ bureau:  Internet Safety, Gotcha!,  Welcoming Your Newly Adopted Child Home, Transitioning Your EIP into College

Let us know how we can serve you.  Send us an email or call Dr. Patti M. Zordich at 919.380.1000.