Wish You Had More Intimacy in Your Marriage? Part I
September 18, 2011
“I just wish we could talk more; talk about our feelings more, I mean,” Connie said longingly. “I wish he was more affectionate.” As Connie spoke, James, her husband, sat still, not saying a word. When I turned my gaze to him, he offered , “Nothing I do is ever enough.”
“I come home from work and I want to share my day with her. She doesn’t seem interested. She’s preoccupied with the kids or she’s preparing dinner. It seems like she gets annoyed with me when I start to talk to her,” Tom’s voice was sad and frustrated. In her defense Sharon offered, “I’ve been with the kids all day and I just don’t feel like talking anymore.”
These comments are expressed fairly frequently in my office by spouses looking for help with their marriage. Sometimes, like Connie, it’s the woman who wants more from her husband. Occasionally, like Tom and Sharon, the shoe is on the other foot and the husband feels ignored.
The Root of The Problem
How we express love and how we accept, or avoid, others’ bids for love are, in large part, related to the quality of love that was shown to us when we were very young. Were our attachment figures, usually our mother and father, attentive, caring and affectionate? Did we experience them as understanding when we expressed feelings like sadness, fear, or a need for affection? Or did they tend to hold back, interacting with us only when we needed to accomplish something such as homework, chores, or dinner or hardly ever? Perhaps they were overbearing so that we felt we hardly had room to breathe.
As much as we might not want to believe it, our early parental relationships, and I mean in the first few years of life, strongly affect the quality of our relationships in adulthood.
Attachment Styles and Marriage
Understanding your attachment style as well as your spouse’s can help you to have empathy for yourself and your spouse. You will have more acceptance for your spouse because you’ll realize that there is not one right way to express marital love. Neither you or your spouse is right or wrong, good or bad.
Try the following exercise.
1. Think about one of the earliest memories you have of a time with you and one of your parents. What was the quality of each of this relationship? Write down 5 words to describe the relationship between the two of you; not words that describe your parent, but the quality of the relationship between the two of you.
2. Next, think about your relationship with your spouse. Do any of those words describe the quality of your relationship with your spouse? Most of the time there is a positive correlation between the two. So what does this mean?
3. We often act toward our spouse as if they are that person in that early relationship treating us the way that person treated us. So, just consider for a moment that this might be true. Now consider the possibility that your spouse is communicating love to you, only differently than it was by your early attachment figures. As you consider this possibility, write down five ways your spouse communicates their love for you. It might be preparing your favorite meal, spending time with you but not talking, mowing the lawn, suggesting that you watch a movie together, giving you a kiss or making eye contact when you return from work.
4. Over the next week, try to add to your list. By the end of the week, try to have at least 15 ways your spouse shows their love to you.
5. The last part of this exercise is to allow yourself to appreciate being loved by your spouse the way they show it.
Watch for my next article when I will explain the different attachment styles and how your understanding of each other’s styles can improve the quality of intimacy and communication in your marriage.
©Patti M. Zordich, Ph.D. Triangle Psychological Services 919.380.1000
The words above, “Nothing I do is ever enough” are a direct quote from my spouse.
Thank you Dr. because after the benefit of attending one of your lectures, I see that part of the problem is the sanguine vs. phlegmatic temperament differences between us.
No wonder one of us comes across as more demonstrative, touchy-feely, and possibly dramatic, and one of us is less openly affectionate, slower to react, and sometimes distant/passive.
Of course we need to learn to appreciate the differences and the gifts of our personalities in the relationship and to our children.
And bend a little to know how to express love in a way the other can easily understand.
Thank you!