Wish You Had More Intimacy in Your Marriage? Part 2
October 29, 2011
“I did the exercises you suggested in Part 1, but WHAT ABOUT ME?! When am I going to get MY needs met?”
“Are you suggesting that I should stop expecting that my wife to show me love?”
“I feel like I’m the only one giving in this marriage. That’s not the way it was when I married him.”
“I feel like my husband doesn’t even care about me!”
I know, I know. This self-giving stuff is tough. Most of the time it sounds just too idealistic, like he’s expecting us to be a saint or something (umm . . . yes). God created each of us with a desire to love and to be love; a longing for emotional bonding with others and, in a special way, with our spouse. The problem is that our humanity gets in the way. And, it more than likely got in the way for our parents, and their parents, and their parents, all the way back to the original parents of all of us.
Understanding this disruption in our natural desire for love and intimacy with our spouse can help us to experience love and intimacy more fully right at home in our marriage. To understand this disruption we need to understand something about bugs.
“BUGS! What do BUGS have to do with love!?” Watch this video and see if you can see the correlation.
A Bugs Life (1998) – don’t look at the light!
Watching bugs can can help us to understand Ethology which can help us to understand humans. Ethology is a subdiscipline of biology that studies biological bases of behavior. It focuses on human and animal behavior as it occurs in natural environments, particularly how the human (or animal adapts to stress).
Here are some main concepts of ethology:
- Innate action patterns promoting individual survival through adaptation to stress
- Triggers for innate action patterns
- Critical periods in development
- Attachment
Attachment
Bowlby took this information and applied them to humans . He theorized that animals, and man, had an innate action pattern promoting individual survival that served to keep the baby animal safe in the face of danger. The action pattern basically entailed running back to mom and staying close to her, and mom protecting the youngin.
Bowlby asserted that for humans this innate action pattern of attachment forms within the first year of life. This theory is now well-known in the psychology world as Attachment Theory.
Because humans are humans and we have our own will and we don’t always follow God’s beautiful innate designs, sometimes attachment patterns form that interfere with subsequent healthy relationships. Bowlby wrote three volumes about humans and attachment, separation and loss and grief. Understanding attachment patterns can help us to understand why we act the way we do in relationships and how we can grow to have more intimacy in our marriage.
What are these patterns of attachment? Through a multitude of research over the past 30 years, four attachment patterns have been identified. They have been validated over and over and are now highly associated with functioning throughout the lifespan. We will only cover the three patterns that are within the normal range.
Attachment patterns develop based on how our needs were met in infancy and the early years of life. Through these early attachment experiences, we develop expectations about what we can expect from the other person in the relationship and what we are worthy of receiving from the other in the relationship. An “inner model” of this early attachment relationship forms which tends to guide a person’s behavior in all subsequent relationships. However, attachment patterns are not necessarily permanent and can change over time.
Secure
The parent was sensitive and responsive to the infant’s needs (most of the time). The young child developed expectations that the other person in the relationship will care about their needs and be relatively responsive. They will feel worthy of receiving care from others. These people are comfortable with intimacy.
Preoccupied
The parent was sensitive and responsive some of the time to the infant’s needs, but was often insenstive and unresponsive, depending on the parent’s needs. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be inconsistent about caring and responding to their needs. The person with a Preoccupied attachment pattern will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. This person will be anxious and somewhat hypervigilant about getting their needs met in relationships. Although they can be somewhat comfortable with a partner with a secure pattern, they are often described as “needy,” by romantic partners. They are usually willing, despite the challenge, to look at their behavior and consider change.
Dismissive
The parent was consistently insensitive and unresponsive to the infant/child’s needs, usually focusing on their own needs at the expense of the child’s. Expectations will develop that the other person in the relationship will be insensitive and unresponsive to their needs. They will feel unworthy of receiving care from others. They will feel that they should not expect others to help them or show them care and that others should feel the same way . They are convinced that this is absolutely fine and healthy; they tend to equate intimacy with loss of independence and often minimize closeness in relationships. They are usually experienced as emotionally distant. They are usually uncomfortable in relationships with secure partners, often viewing them as expecting too much close. Because Dismissive individuals view themselves as healthy they are resistant to change.
Now What?
You’re probably already thinking about your own attachment experiences and patterns. You might be thinking about your spouse’s as well. Remember, these attachment patterns are all within the normal range. About 50 % of folks have a Secure pattern, about 20% have the Preoccupied pattern and about 25% have the Dismissive pattern. These statistics are consistent across ages, gender, and cultures.
Here are some ideas for putting this information to good use:
- Journal about your early attachment experiences with your parents. You probably had different attachment experiences with each of them. Did your parents seem preoccupied with their own needs and problems, or were they able to put those aside to be present with you? As you grew, could you count on them to be there for you when you had a problem? How do you remember feeling in your relationship with your parents? Can you have compassion for yourself in relationship now that you are exploring these experiences?
- Journal about how you experience intimacy with spouse. What feelings might be related to your own attachment pattern and the expectations you hold of him and yourself in your relationship?
- Perhaps you know about your spouse’s early attachment experiences, perhaps not. In your journal, speculate about your spouse’s attachment pattern. How might these things be affecting his expectations of you and himself in your relationship? How might these things be interfering in the fulfillment you experience in your marriage? (Unless your spouse has chosen to explore these ideas, I would not recommend you begin to tell him about his attachment pattern!).
- Look for small ways that you can be sensitive and responsive to your spouse’s needs. And remember, what your spouse needs in the way of intimacy is very likely different than what you need. There is no right or wrong, good or bad. Perhaps his way of showing his love is by doing things but not talking. Perhaps she needs physical touch, such as gently touching her hand or cheek, holding her hand, or lovingly placing your hand on her back. Perhaps she needs to be left alone when she has been with the kids all day.
Often we think there is one right way to show intimacy and love. This is a fallacy. Understanding, empathy and acceptance of each other as we are is one way that will bring us the fulfillment we desire in our marriage.
If you want to read more I recommend the book Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the Way You Do, by Clinton and Sibcy.
Dr. Patti M. Zordich is a licensed psychologist and Director/Founder of Triangle Psychological Services in Cary, NC. You can reach her at 919.380.1000 or at drpattiz@trypsych.com. Or, follow her on Twitter, @drpattiz, or Facebook.com/TrianglePsychologicalServices.